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     Crouching cautiously, I stepped up onto my windowsill. My heart was beating so heavily it sounded like a bass drum and the sound rang in my ears, making me feel lightheaded. One slip, one step, one wrong movement was all it would take to lose my balance fall hard to the ground two stories below.
     
     Bright-eyed, I looked out to the tree barely a metre from my bedroom window. Then I jumped. Each millisecond seemed to stretch into an hour as I closed the gap between myself and the tree, feeling as though I was floating through the thick, foggy air. I landed on the branch with a loud thump and then edged along it, until I felt safe in hauling myself against the trunk. Then I slid my down the mossy tree trunk with ease, despite the fact that I almost ended up with moss from the top of my head to in my trainers.

     After reaching the ground, I pegged it towards the old iron gate which separated me from the outside world. Of course it was locked, so I used the bottom bars of the gate as a foothold and then, using all the strength in my upper body, slowly hoisted myself up the old, worn and black iron bars.
     
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     That place was my home. It had always been my home. Ever since the day my mother brought me home from the hospital as a newborn. My parents were so overprotective of me they vowed to keep me behind walls until I had turned 21 at least. And I had not left that place ever since then. I was raised in that place. I was taught by private tutors, and had learnt 6 languages by the age of 12. I had my own private doctor to come out on house calls. I had a very large allowance, to save up. I had the perfect life.

     But I hate perfect.

     I didn’t have any friends. I was never rewarded for hard work. I had no use for languages in this cage of a home. I hated being cooped up in my room while I was ill. I had nothing to save for. My life was pointless. Then I looked out to the city one night. It was no different than another night, apart from the fact that it was my thirteenth birthday. The city was only a mile away, yet to me it seemed so far. So far away... yet so beautiful. It fascinated me. And soon curiosity took over me completely. I had to see the city, even if it was just for one night, I had to see it.
     
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     I slid down the other side of the gate, making sure I had a good foothold before making each downwards movement. I was halfway down when a spark of light caught my attention. The second-floor bedroom. My parents’ bedroom. Crap. I was running out of time. Sharply, I pushed myself off the gate and twisted as I fell to the ground, luckily landing on my feet. Then I ran. I ran as fast as my unexercised legs could carry me. As I ran I came across a bus that was headed for the city. I waved my arms violently and luckily it slowed and stopped in front of me. By then I could hear vicious barking. They’d sent the guard dogs after me.
     
     But I wasn’t going to give up then. I hopped onto the bus as quickly as I could and paid the fare (I had taken a lot of money and my mum’s debit card with me), then sank into a seat as far as I could without falling off the edge. I was safe, at least for now.
     
     The stop I got off at was at the very heart of the city. Bright lights shining. Crowds moving rapidly. Car engines growling. Everything was a blur to me, as I had never come across a place like this is my life. It was absolutely beautiful. And then my empty stomach ruined the amazing moment.

     I sighed heavily as hunger dragged me back to reality. After having a moment of silence for the death of my fantasy world, I launched myself towards the windows of a nearby building. The sign read ‘McDonalds’ and people were eating inside, which was always a good sign. And then there was the SMELL. It was so savoury-sweet, so meaty yet so fresh-baked, it made my mouth water so much I nearly caused a small lake to form out of my drool.

     I pushed the door open and walked inside, hopping to the end of the queue. I’d learnt a lot about courtesy when I was younger so I didn’t mind waiting. I was called to the cash register then. I decided to be spontaneous with my choice. I picked out a double cheeseburger, large fries and a McFlurry (some form of ice cream) to top it off with. As soon as my order had been put together I wandered for half a minute before sitting as a small table in one corner. I then unwrapped my cheeseburger and prodded it repeatedly before shrugging to myself and deciding to take a bite of the odd-looking food.

     It was THE best thing I had ever tasted. The meat wasn’t very sophisticated but it was savoury and slightly sweet. The finely chopped onion added bursts of flavour to every bite, and the slices of pickled gherkin added a sharp and bitter edge to it. The cheese was smooth and mellow, while the tomato sauce topped it off with a wonderful bitter sweetness. It was pure heaven.

     As soon as I had polished off my wonderful meal, I decided to take a wander around the city to walk off some of the calories. I had been floating around for a while when I saw one shop in particular that drew my attention. It had several books neatly displayed in the windows and a sign with a large W printed on it. The shop’s name was shown in White lettering above the door. Waterstones. It was such an intriguing name, and curiosity got the best of me. I pushed lightly on the darkly-painted door and stepped in. What I saw was expected, but not to this level. Around me I saw thousands upon thousands of books in neat rows, all arranged by genre. The library back at the mansion was large, but this place took the cake and ate it. It wasn’t long though before I spotted a small set of stairs.
     
     ‘More books?’ I asked myself as I hopped up the stairs two at a time. I reached the top and my eyes practically sparkled. It wasn’t just books. There was a café there as well. Wow. I started to have wished I had escaped sooner, then I could’ve come here and bought some books I would actually like reading. When my thoughts returned to the present I strolled around the shelves, running my fingers along the spines of the books. Now THIS was my idea of heaven.
     
     Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a bright spark of light flying down to the earth. A shooting star, something I had never seen before, but read about countless times. As I watched the star fall with incredible grace and beauty, I wished with all my might. I wished that I could be free of my parents and their tightly-set boundaries forever...
     
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     I got my wish. When I finally arrived home there was no home, only a huge crater with a rock the size of a large car in the middle. This was where the star had landed. My parents were dead, this I was sure of, but I climbed down to the bottom of the crater anyway. All I found was a smaller rock. It didn’t hold any interest until I caught something glinting from inside it. I launched it against the side of the crater. It cracked in half, and to my surprise I found a necklace inside. The necklace looked like white gold. The pendant was shaped like a butterfly, and the stone it was made of was almost clear yet shined with all the colours of the rainbow. It was absolutely beautiful. I slipped it in my pocket. I would wear it later.
     
     It was indeed beautiful, but little did I know that this necklace held more power than I could ever imagine...
©2008-2009 =Rainbow-Mist-Topaz
:iconrainbow-mist-topaz:

Author's Comments

Chapter 1 of my new story...
...featuring my OC pokemon Raenbark : D


~Topaz

Critiques


:icondantesgirl:
Ah, old fics. Don't you just love looking back at them and cringing?

When you re-approach a fic after you've gained experience, you can have one of two reactions: you can think "Meh, this can be better", or you can be genuinely embarassed. If you have the former reaction, a quick nip and tuck can suffice. However, if you genuinely have the latter reaction, it's best to re-write it instead. I will say why I believe this to be the best course of action later on.

On the whole, you do tend to do things correctly and with logic; I like how you use alliteration in descriptions (seen in the first two words) and your syntax is generally fine. However, a critique wouldn't be a critique without my over-the-top nitpicking!

:bulletpurple: One slip, one step, one wrong movement was all it would take to lose my balance fall hard to the ground two stories below. - The concluding part of the sentence doesn't make sense and baffles me. Instead, I suggest you change it to 'One slip, one step, one wrong movement was all it would take to make me lose my balance, slip and fall two storeys, possibly resulting in death.'?
:bulletpurple: In the first two paragraphs, I can see a lot of dramatic descriptions. Although the manner in which you describe things is fine itself, the very start of the very first chapter is a very bad place to put said descriptions. Basically, the reader has no idea what is going on, therefore there is no feel of suspense or tension. However, if these descriptions were in, say, the fifth chapter building up to an important fight, that would be a different story. How would you feel if a man entered a shop and said, "Then, I ran to the door, kicked it in and bolted upstairs, ensuring not to leave a trail on my path upwards'? You would have no idea what he was talking about, nor would you have motivation to care.
:bulletpurple: Then I slid my down the mossy tree trunk with ease... - I hear that 'my' is very hard to slide down trees. Yes, silly mistake. Silly mistakes can be very easily avoiding by proof-reading a piece the day after it is typed up; by doing this, your mind is not as familiar with the piece and you will be able to spot errors easily. Oh my! (I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.)
:bulletpurple: ...despite the fact that I almost ended up with moss from the top of my head to in my trainers. - The concluding part of this sentence is, in my opinion, too drawn-out. I believe it could be easily shortened to 'I almost ended up head-to-toe in moss', or 'I almost became a moss monster' for comical effect.
:bulletpurple: Here is the reason I think you should consider re-writing this: the sentence structure is beyond redundant. There is no use of advanced punctuation (semi-colon, dash, colon etc) in this piece, making it extremely rigid and very repetitive. I literally reached a point reading through where I stopped correcting the mass of full stops and thought to myself 'She's a big girl, she can take what I've said and apply it herself'. I have no doubt that you've varied your punctual skills by now, but here's a few examples of what I'm talking about:

    :bulletred: That place was my home. It had always been my home. Ever since the day my mother brought me home from the hospital as a newborn... should be ' That place was my home - it had always been my home, ever since the day my mother brought me home from the hospital as a newborn.'
    :bulletred: ...I had not left that place ever since then. I was raised in that place. I was taught by private tutors, and had learnt 6 languages by the age of 12. I had my own private doctor to come out on house calls. I had a very large allowance, to save up. I had the perfect life. should be '...I had not left that place ever since then: I was raised in that place; I was taught by private tutors; I had learnt 6 languages by the age of 12; I had my own private doctor to come out on house calls. I had a very large allowance, to save up. I had the perfect life.' It is hard to distinguish between whether or not to use commas or semi-colons to divide lists with colons, so I use this method: a semi-colon is used when there are more than one words in a section that does not describe the initial thing. Example: 'John had found a plethora of harvests: ripe tomatoes, bustles of berries, bunches of grapes, everything. and 'John had a terrible childhood: by six, he had chicken pox several times; by eight, he was being bullied; by ten, he was banned from school.'
    :bulletred: Then I looked out to the city one night. It was no different than another night, apart from the fact that it was my thirteenth birthday. - I think a semi-colon should go between 'night' and 'it'.
    :bulletred: ...curiosity took over me completely. I had to see the city, even if it was just for one night, I had to see it. - I believe this should be '...curiosity took over me completely - I had to see the city, even if it was just for one night, I had to see it'.

Those are simply a few examples, but I trust that you get the point.
:bulletpurple: until I had turned 21 at least. - Unless you are talking about big numbers (such as 2009), always spell out numbers - it appears more professional.
:bulletpurple: And I had not left that place ever since then. - Although a lot of famous authors get away with it, I'm not a big fan of sentences beginning with 'and'; when I was eight, I was taught not to do so, so I don't see why forty-something authors should be allowed to get away with it.
:bulletpurple: ...and had learnt 6 languages by the age of 12. - Knowing a quantity of languages and being able to pick things up extremely fast is quite a Mary Sue quality; picking things up quickly (like Hermione Granger in Harry Potter) is one thing, but I feel this takes the biscuit. If she began studying languages at three, that means she would have mastered a language in a year and a half. My sister is a Cambridge graduate; she only became fluent in Spanish after seven years.
:bulletpurple: In this fic, your character shows signs of 'Rebellious Princess Syndrome', which is also a Sue quality.
:bulletpurple: And then there was the SMELL... - Avoid capitalization of a word unless a character is shouting in dialect. Instead, why not use italics for emphasis?
:bulletpurple: ‘More books?’ I asked myself... - Instead of putting apostrophes around thoughts, putting them in italics distinguishes them more.
:bulletpurple: The 'shooting star' idea is quite sweet, albeit a bit clichéd. Instead, why not change it to her wiping her eye, an eyelash coming loose and her blowing it away to make the wish?
:bulletpurple: I cannot physically believe the ending, literally. Her parents have died, yet all she's concerned about is finding the crater? If you made her desperately search for her parent's body and then stumble upon said crater, she would've gotten a lot more sympathy from me and I wouldn't think of her as a cruel person.

I scored 'Impact' the lowest due to the sentencing structure and the ending; in terms of effect, it made this a fic people are likely to forget.

Also, it was only with the addition of the name 'Waterstone's' that I recognised that this was set in the UK. In future, you might want to make this a bit clearer, even if you drop a hint. Example: 'In the British manor...'.

If you decide to re-write this, I hope it goes well. Good luck with all of your future fics. :heart:

(I apologise for any errors in this critique - I feel awful with hayfever! :faint: )
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:icontowel-boots:
Its interesting, but the pace seems a little rapid (At least for me. Advice from me doesn't actually mean that much). I think it would be really nice with some supporting details, for example she might be weirded out by McDonalds, having never been inside one, or experience fear because of never seeing so many people before. Also, just as a question, why does she return home if she wants to escape so badly?
:iconrainbow-mist-topaz:
She wanted to escape, but I guess she didn't have everything she would need or just wanted to have a taste of outside life. The details are kinda sketchy ^^;

--
...in bed :ohnoes:

:cake: Make Cake, Not War :cake:

Avatar made by *Kezzi-Rose
:iconpolkka:
[ihateyou]
why you have to be better than me >_<
xD

--
you got the love i need,
maybe more than enough.
oh darlin' , oh darlin'
walk a while with me.
♥;
:iconpolkka:
[ihateyou]
why you have to be better than me >_<
xD

--
you got the love i need,
maybe more than enough.
oh darlin' , oh darlin'
walk a while with me.
♥;
:iconrainbow-mist-topaz:
Whut? Wow, a compliment :'D
It's because we british people... *ahem* ...:iconbritishplz:
Are quite clearly more intelligent than Canadians.
Thus we write far better Literature.
My logic is flawless :'D

--
...in bed :ohnoes:

:cake: Make Cake, Not War :cake:

Avatar made by *Kezzi-Rose
:iconpolkka:
*Wacks you with a book called "How To Be British In 1 Hour For Dummies"*
T_T
Canadians are smart too!
Its just because My brain isn't pro-
GHAJrjklsd;fgj'lw!

--
you got the love i need,
maybe more than enough.
oh darlin' , oh darlin'
walk a while with me.
♥;
:iconrainbow-mist-topaz:
programmed right? I know it isn't.
And you still aren't as smart as British peeps~

--
...in bed :ohnoes:

:cake: Make Cake, Not War :cake:

Avatar made by *Kezzi-Rose
:iconshattered-soul-dm:
Now i'm hungry D:




Aside from that EHEM. -0-

I think it's even better than it was last time ;D That's good to cause i forgot about the end part and when i read it it actually gave me a chill which is good ur getting a lot better at writing :3 keep it up and hurry up and post :iconmoarplz:! D<

--
The Goomba's shall attack at dawn.
Get the artillery and flying ponies people, we're at war.
~~~~~~~~

Check out my gallery when you get the chance : D
:iconrainbow-mist-topaz:
Yay! I'm getting better at writiiing~

Well actually, it's because I started writing this over the summer holidays so I needed to touch up on my creative writing skills. Luckily we did that at the start of this school year so I thought it would be a good time to extend it and overall improve it :3

And Chapter 2 is in progress :salute:

--
...in bed :ohnoes:

:cake: Make Cake, Not War :cake:

Avatar made by *Kezzi-Rose

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September 5, 2008
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